‘To my beautiful pain,’ #WhyIWrite

At first, I felt the urge to describe you to my blog readers. Not sure if I wanted to give  them some insights on my current depression, to gain some empathy, or just to document as usual my thoughts and wishes at the moment. All I know is, I believe in documenting life so much, that I would risk baring it all here just to get the chance to read it later and compare my different perspectives through my own  personal growth.

But then I decided to speak to you, woman to her own mind and feelings, in an attempt to define you, and know why you are here.

Most of the time I regard you an unwelcome guest. I mean, you show up in the middle of nowhere, you get super intense on matters I think won’t hurt me that much, and you stay much longer than I want you to. Most of the time I’m fighting you much more than I fight everything else. Do you understand how unbearable it gets when you’re fighting your own mind and body? I’m sure you do realize that though it’s the mind that sends the signals to my body to feel you, but it’s also the body that keeps reminding me of my own vulnerability and sometimes powerlessness to stand up and face the world.

You don’t just hurt me. You dominate my whole body. In our battles sometimes you win and you get to control me. You dictate my responses and you suck the joy out of the things I love. Not only that, but you get even to paralyze me. Much often recently, I feel my soul inside struggling to scream and you choking her in order not to. Sometimes I feel that expressing you would threaten your existence. So I understand your survival instinct and how it functions here.

To my pain, I realize how cliche I sound talking to you right now. And that no matter how I try to describe you, words seem to fail me this time. Just know that I get it. Fighting your existence all the time won’t make you go away. Denying your existence would breed much worse results. I’m starting to accept your demands in a way. You demand to be recognized, to be respected and to be accepted. I guess I want to tell you that I recognize that you’re here. I am trying to respect you and to stop trying to kick you out of my body. I’m trying to learn to live with you knowing that sometimes your very existence is what gets me going. Sometimes you hurting me is what I need to do something. Sometimes you remind me of who I am, what I am passionate about, and what I want to do in life. I did not learn to accept you yet, but I’m trying. If I can make one sincere request, is that you try and give me a break from  time to time, would ya? You know I still love life, and I still belong here. I am not ready to stop fighting you and give it up yet. So may be we can reach a truce? Or rather better, may be one day we can coexist. Think about it.

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النصف هو حياه لم تعشها…

“لا تجالس أنصاف العشاق، ولا تصادق أنصاف الأصدقاء، لا تقرأ لأنصاف الموهوبين،لا تعش نصف حياة، ولا تمت نصف موت،لا تختر نصف حل، ولا تقف في منتصف الحقيقة، لا تحلم نصف حلم، ولا تتعلق بنصف أمل، إذا صمتّ.. فاصمت حتى النهاية، وإذا تكلمت.. فتكلّم حتى النهاية، لا تصمت كي تتكلم، ولا تتكلم كي تصمت.

إذا رضيت فعبّر عن رضاك، لا تصطنع نصف رضا، وإذا رفضت.. فعبّر عن رفضك،
لأن نصف الرفض قبول.. النصف هو حياة لم تعشها، وهو كلمة لم تقلها،وهو ابتسامة أجّلتها، وهو حب لم تصل إليه، وهو صداقة لم تعرفها.. النصف هو ما يجعلك غريباً عن أقرب الناس إليك، وهو ما يجعل أقرب الناس إليك غرباء عنك.
النصف هو أن تصل وأن لا تصل، أن تعمل وأن لا تعمل،أن تغيب وأن تحضر.. النصف هو أنت، عندما لا تكون أنت.. لأنك لم تعرف من أنت، النصف هو أن لا تعرف من أنت.. ومن تحب ليس نصفك الآخر.. هو أنت في مكان آخر في الوقت نفسه.
نصف شربة لن تروي ظمأك، ونصف وجبة لن تشبع جوعك، نصف طريق لن يوصلك إلى أي مكان، ونصف فكرة لن تعطي لك نتيجة النصف هو لحظة عجزك وأنت لست بعاجز.. لأنك لست نصف إنسان.
أنت إنسان وجدت كي تعيش الحياة، وليس كي تعيش نصف حياة ليست حقيقة الإنسان بما يظهره لك.. بل بما لا يستطيع أن يظهره، لذلك.. إذا أردت أن تعرفه فلا تصغي إلى ما يقوله .. بل إلى ما لا يقوله.”

ساعات بابقى مؤمنة بكل كلمة قالها جبران خليل جبران هنا..

وساعات باقول خير الأمور الوسط، ولازم يبقى فيه توازن و

compromises

كتير عشان الحياه تمشي

ولا يمكن دة كلام بنقوله لنفسنا عشان منطالبش بكل حاجة نتمناها ومنحاربش كفاية عشان شاكّين من جوانا اننا مش هنوصل؟

انا مش عارفة اوصل لإجابة للسؤال دة.

كل يوم فيه الف سؤال وفيه معافرة مستمرة عشان نفضل نحب الحياه.. عشان منطلّعش نص نفَّس ومنحلمش نص حلم ومنحبّش نص حب

عشان نرجع نحاول نحلم.. عشان نرجع نثق في نفسنا بعد ما انكسرنا

كل يوم بحاول افتكر اننا

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محمود درويش

Some gratefulness needed…

Just a couple of hours ago I wrote this status on my facebook:

So it’s not some news that we live in a chauvinistic patriarchal piece of shit society that celebrates/encourages elitism, sexism & racism everyday. It’s not news that I will be judged even for this status though it’s true.

I was just subjected to sexual harassment though I’ve been doing my best and spending a lot of my money on private transports to avoid it. I don’t want to complain or whine much. I know that there are much stronger women than me who go through much bigger fights in their lives to survive. I’m only angry… because I believe in myself and in my strength. I’m raised to get my own shit done and not to depend on anybody, and the fact that I’m perceived weak and an easy target only because I’m a woman keeps frustrating me.

Despite this negativity surrounding us everywhere, I’ll try to write a blog post and count the things I’m blessed to have.. may be this would help turn down the level of anger I’m at currently.

So here we go.. I’ll try to list 10 things I’m grateful for.

  • I am grateful for the ability to seek advice when needed, and to try trusting my heart always.
  • I am grateful for finding many paths to seek knowledge and know more about myself and the huge world we live in.
  • I am grateful for trying to see beauty in every small thing in life… a good song on my long commute on the Ring Road can make me see the ugly buildings less ugly, and the green land greener..
  • I am grateful for the life-lessons I’m being constantly given. I’m grateful for standing up after falling every time.
  • I’m grateful for my mum’s existence. We might be different in every aspect, but I can’t live without her unlimited love.
  • I am grateful for having the ability to fight for hope, for love and for the lost dreams.
  • I’m grateful for being healthy, for being able to survive the current cruel economic situation.
  • I’m grateful for these people in my life, who help fix me when I get broken.
  • I’m grateful for music; for always a good song can help one pass any tough day or celebrate any good one.
  • I’m grateful for my stubbornness… to help me be the leader of my own destiny.

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On hope

Man, I don’t know if Ellen DeGeneres knows this. But I hope she does.

This woman is so great beyond measures. Someone who suffered a lot in her life, and came out this strong, this inspiring, and now she is helping  millions to get over life everyday, just by spreading hope and happiness. Continue reading “On hope”

This is my sermon.

I discovered a new artist. Loving his songs so far although they hit on all your soft spots, and I don’t need that right now.

But anyways, give these two songs a lesson:

This is my sermon..

But this is my sermon fest that I’m emotionally drained
Self-medicating hoping I can cope with the pain
I need a face cause that’ll fix whatever’s broke in my brain
Who am I kidding, no I’m going insane
I wrote some quotes on this page, just trying to reach you in a hope you were late
Well I’ll probably just throw them away
Cause I don’t know what to say
I feel weak when I’m supposed to be brave
I seem free but I’m enclosed in a cage
Though I continue to ponder over the plastic
And I ain’t gonna do any better
Do I whimper from the future, and buckle under the pressure
Or do I step to the plate, and gon’ take the chance with my life
Come face to face with the darkness so I can stand in the light

76

Hey there,

I came here now because I got an impulse to go back to writing and I pour myself out there. Yes, it’s scary. But I usually find myself more expressive when blogging than when sharing some status on Facebook or Twitter. You ask me why? I don’t know. May be I feel more comfortable in talking to strangers than people I know who will certainly judge me.

I usually ask myself, have I stopped/decreased being judgmental because I became in a minority position where the likelihood of being suppressed/discriminated against is higher or is it because I started to mature and become more aware?

I like to think it’s the second one. I mean, I’ve always argued with my family when they said racist comments about people who practice other religions. I’ve always hated discrimination and the idea of asking for rights for only those who share the same opinions and beliefs as you. May be I was more judgmental when I did not have much empathy for those who were way beyond my comfort zone to get to talk to them and know them.

When I hear someone saying something as absurd as “I don’t mind the lesbians but I can’t stand the idea of gays.. Yuck!”, I try not to judge them much for it. I mean, I did not make up my mind that I totally support LGBT until I have met one. And they were very nice and decent, that I said to myself: “Wow, I never thought about it before and what do I stand for there.. why would I feel that someone like this should be killed just because of who he is? Who is he hurting by being himself?” Suddenly then it struck me how hard it is to be gay, especially in a region like ours, consumed by hating whoever is different.

Whenever I experience something that is totally out of my comfort zone, it gives me a chance to make up my mind about it. Do I accept it? Shall I go for it? Yes, sometimes I make the wrong choice, but then this is part of growing up. Learning from it.

So yes.. finally arrived at my main point here. I wanted to talk about growing up. I admit, the past couple of years (roughly I mean the past 3 ones) were full of self-doubt, self-loathing at times, uncertainty, and countless attempts to forget the pain and to kill my empathy. By the end of last year, I suddenly realized this isn’t gonna work. But then I was too in-depth and too consumed to do anything about it.

Now, I thought 2016 will be my year. The year when I start fulfilling my dreams, break free a little bit, and have hope in myself again. But by April, I totally broke down. Throughout the past few months,  I was stumbling. Rising and falling, enduring, in short: I was in pain. Pain can do two things to you: it can either shatter you in pieces, or motivate you into swimming faster to the shore.. where you can survive and start again. I guess it did both things to me.

There are 76 days left in 2016. This only means one thing: I need to get over my survival mode in this period. Three years are quite enough for it. I tried to play it safe but instead I got myself in much deeper shit and pain. I need to forgive myself for whatever mistakes I have made. I need to forgive whoever caused me so much pain as this is the only means to truly moving on. I need to trust myself more, and to keep believing. I need to enjoy life again. As bad as it seems now, life is a gift that is worth living. And during the 76 days left this year, I am going to try my best and make every single day count.

Here’s to the new beginnings.. here’s to love and life. Here’s to hope. Here’s to me.

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“#Truce”

There are two objectives behind this blog post:

1- to write a +400 words piece of self-expression (haven’t done that in a while).

2- to give you a hint of what anxiety feels like (from an unprofessional point of view).

Continue reading ““#Truce””