My word is free #11Feb

I can do this.

I have been trying to write this blogpost for a while now. But there is an inner conflict going here between me and myself.

My present-self keeps doubting her words and her thoughts. She doesn’t want to share them because she thinks that it doesn’t matter anymore… or that her words might get her in trouble. My present-self has been avoiding trouble for around three years now in hopes of living a normal-like life. But my revolutionary-younger-self is trying to push me up. She’s telling me that my thoughts are still worth of being documented and shared like in the old times. And that one day my future-self might need to read them when in doubt or when she needs to remember who she is.

Anyways, I don’t want to confuse you anymore. My younger-self obviously won that argument. Here I am trying to put out there what I am currently thinking. It’s not going to be as elequoent as I’d like to believe some of previous writings were… but it doesn’t matter at this point. I just want to succeed in finishing that blog post.

Today marks a somewhat holy memory to many of us out there. The day when we thought we win. Six years ago, I thought this was the happiest day of my life.. or of our collective lives as Egyptians. We had just got back home from the square, and in less than an hour he stepped down. We screamed and yelled in euphoria. We went down to the streets, and celebrated. We chanted “People and the army are one hand.”

I woke up the next morning, and I went straight to the square. Without planning ahead I went to help in cleaning the effect of 18 days of protesting and the sit-ins. We cleaned like the square was our home or even more. I even picked up the cigarette stubs! A friend took a picture of me there looking exhausted yet happy and proud. I thought this was the beginning of our time to be in charge of our destiny. Six years later, I realize that I couldn’t be more wrong… or could I?

11 February 2011
Taken by Salma H. 11.02.2011

Honestly, I thought this day would still be painful to me just like I know it is for many of us. But the truth is, I am blessed with a weird selective memory that keeps forgetting A LOT of things without me having any choice in it. And I do believe it is for the best. After all, truth be told, these past six years have been transformational in a lot of ways some of which were not very pleasant. They had excruciating pain. So, the ability not to remember a lot of what happened and what I witnessed may be is a big factor in why I am still alive and breathing, and how I managed to survive till now. You think I’m being a drama queen? You have every right, but those who lived and shared these memories with me probably know I’m not.

May be the time has come to finally admit it: I do not regret taking part of this “revolution/movement/uprising/riots/anarchy”, but I am fully aware now that I might have revolted for the wrong reasons. At one point I used to think that the head of the regime was the sole devil and the reason for all the people’s misery. My mind kept switching between other vile politicians to blame. But in the end, they were not. The people keeps choosing to let this happen. And when I protested out there risking my life several times, my main trigger is that I wanted fair and justice to the people and myself. May be I shouldn’t have gone all that for the people. At least this is what I’m thinking of now. I’m not sure if it’s a phase, or I’m still channeling anger over people letting others die and ignoring it. Nevertheless, I think I would/should have done it for myself.

My only consolation, is that the rebellion lives within me. Hadn’t I gone through this incredible life-changing experience quite early in my life, I wouldn’t have gone closer to knowing who I truly am, and what my core values are. I wouldn’t have known that there is so much potential in me than I realize. And so like I once told a friendly British guy, I shifted my focus to my small daily personal revolution. I fight trying to protect my own identity, and keeps reminding myself that no one can suck the joy I find in little things out of my heart.

A couple of days ago I went to the book fair to attend Ahmed Khair’s signing session for his book “Min Al Shibak“. I didn’t know what the story is going to be about, and had I known, I honestly doubt that I would have read it. They were short stories that details real testimonies from the “deportation truck”. The irony here was I bought around 11 other novels from the book fair that falls under the same genre “comedy/hilarious/light” books. Yes, I have been avoiding all things that would trigger my empathy. I selfishly made a choice to keep on with my life and forget those who lost theirs. And with reading few pages, I felt instantly that these testimonies are real. Are we the only ones who are going to read these stories, get affected by them knowing that there is so little we can do? May be for those behind bars, that’s so much hope and more.

A lot of the time I ask myself whether any of my actions in the past were a reason for how someone lost his life or was put away in prison. The thought even frightens me. The guilt is there, deep inside my mind, and I doubt I’ll ever get rid of it… how come you got away alive while others didn’t.

I don’t know how to end this blog post, except by saying, that no matter what happens next, we still have our memories. My head will still remain high, for I never wanted any harm for anybody. I demanded justice and fairness for the people. I still have hope it will come true, and I might live to witness that day. My dreams still live. I hope to have a conversation with my revolutionary-younger-self one day and tell her, that I hadn’t given up on us. 

عبالي.. :) #موسيقى

Sorry Lemonada that I used your title. I swear it’s not intended to be one of like ! 😀

Not gonna lie to you. It’s a bit confusing when trying to get up again on your feet. You will need first to figure out who you were before… In an attempt to restore a sense of who I was and what used to make me happy, I decided to browse my music lists!

Hope you enjoy it as much as I’m doing now. 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

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“Inception” (2010)

 

 

“The Fundamentals of Caring”

I love when this happens.

You’re laying back, regretting wasting so much time doing nothing, and the lame movies you watch to make yourself laugh a bit. Then you open Netflix (which has limited movies btw since they blocked proxies and you cannot access the US one. Kinda wonder why I’m still subscribing till now), and you see Paul Rudd’s charming face on a poster,

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so you think for a second and then click on it. I admit hesitating but only because the poster felt like it’s gonna be an Indie movie, and I’m kinda in the mood for laughs not deep stories. Paul Rudd has this incredible charisma.. it’s so soothing. When he looks at you with his deep green eyes (I mean looks at the camera, directing at you looking from the screen :/) you feel that surely the world will be at peace.. eventually.

Continue reading ““The Fundamentals of Caring””

23 June – #Breathe

One might feel it’s an exaggeration, but for me I mean every word when I say that art can save lives. A song, a movie, a painting , a dance, an expression can help you survive the most excruciating experiences.

I remember now in mind the beautiful movie “The Pianist” based on the real story of  Władysław Szpilman.

“Humanity seems doomed to do more evil than good. The greatest ideal on earth is human love.”
Wilm Hosenfeld, The Pianist: The Extraordinary Story of One Man’s Survival in Warsaw, 1939–45

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One of the movies that made me envy artists. Artists can beautifully express themselves. They have a very powerful weapon to fight with. I always admire artists and wish I could be one of them. May be it’s time? Who knows! 🙂

The thing about art that directly touches your soul, is that it’s sincere and authentic. You feel connected to the artist. You feel relevance.

Continue reading “23 June – #Breathe”

“#Truce”

There are two objectives behind this blog post:

1- to write a +400 words piece of self-expression (haven’t done that in a while).

2- to give you a hint of what anxiety feels like (from an unprofessional point of view).

Continue reading ““#Truce””

15 June – Light

So in recent interviews, people ask me about my blog (since I used to be a blogger and my current career revolves around content). And surprisingly I find myself awkwardly shying away from sharing it.

Ironically, I used to excessively share my blog posts in my old blog everywhere. I took pride to be documenting my reflections throughout every part of the revolution and what I believed in. But now I only write to try & get out these loud voices in my head. Whether I’m proud or not of these thoughts, I just want them to shut up.

And now I’m wondering, when did I start to care about how ppl perceive me so much? And why does growing up let you be ashamed of your own vulnerability? Trying to hide it away?

 

There is indeed no hiding from facing your own voices. There should be no shame to admit that you’re vulnerable, and to be honest.

Do you think I should make this blog private? I kinda still am fascinated by the idea that someone out there is reading my thoughts. May be someone will relate. May be another one needs to feel that they are not alone. I still have a tiny ray of hope that small words can make a big difference.

But what about my blog? Do you think I should make another one for professional use?

Waiting to hear your thoughts.. 🙂

 

6 May

Hey there,

I couldn’t write the past couple of days.. but here I am 🙂

Lying back during my weekend. Feeling refreshed despite all. I started watching GoT since yesterday.. wanted to see what the fuss is all about. I know I’m going to be hated for it but I really couldn’t connect much with its characters. This isn’t my type of series but I would still continue to watch it.

I don’t want to continue blogging sad dramatic thoughts as usual, so I will try to keep it short, and to concentrate on the positive.

I do realize that there are many things I should be grateful to have in life.. things that might go unnoticed. I also realize that returning to trust people was one of the best decisions I have made. Yes, some might betray your trust, and it will hurt. But this shouldn’t come in the way of having empathy, and investing in others.

Life will still be full of ups and downs. And there is a high probability that this is only the beginning. I do realize that you worry that you are getting older, and that you are waiting for your high accomplishments. But please be patient. It is very needed at these hard times.