‘To my beautiful pain,’ #WhyIWrite

At first, I felt the urge to describe you to my blog readers. Not sure if I wanted to give  them some insights on my current depression, to gain some empathy, or just to document as usual my thoughts and wishes at the moment. All I know is, I believe in documenting life so much, that I would risk baring it all here just to get the chance to read it later and compare my different perspectives through my own  personal growth.

But then I decided to speak to you, woman to her own mind and feelings, in an attempt to define you, and know why you are here.

Most of the time I regard you an unwelcome guest. I mean, you show up in the middle of nowhere, you get super intense on matters I think won’t hurt me that much, and you stay much longer than I want you to. Most of the time I’m fighting you much more than I fight everything else. Do you understand how unbearable it gets when you’re fighting your own mind and body? I’m sure you do realize that though it’s the mind that sends the signals to my body to feel you, but it’s also the body that keeps reminding me of my own vulnerability and sometimes powerlessness to stand up and face the world.

You don’t just hurt me. You dominate my whole body. In our battles sometimes you win and you get to control me. You dictate my responses and you suck the joy out of the things I love. Not only that, but you get even to paralyze me. Much often recently, I feel my soul inside struggling to scream and you choking her in order not to. Sometimes I feel that expressing you would threaten your existence. So I understand your survival instinct and how it functions here.

To my pain, I realize how cliche I sound talking to you right now. And that no matter how I try to describe you, words seem to fail me this time. Just know that I get it. Fighting your existence all the time won’t make you go away. Denying your existence would breed much worse results. I’m starting to accept your demands in a way. You demand to be recognized, to be respected and to be accepted. I guess I want to tell you that I recognize that you’re here. I am trying to respect you and to stop trying to kick you out of my body. I’m trying to learn to live with you knowing that sometimes your very existence is what gets me going. Sometimes you hurting me is what I need to do something. Sometimes you remind me of who I am, what I am passionate about, and what I want to do in life. I did not learn to accept you yet, but I’m trying. If I can make one sincere request, is that you try and give me a break from  time to time, would ya? You know I still love life, and I still belong here. I am not ready to stop fighting you and give it up yet. So may be we can reach a truce? Or rather better, may be one day we can coexist. Think about it.

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Reminding me…

I need you to remind me..

What is happiness?

How you define love?

What makes you satisfied?

How to overcome losing?

How to fight fearing failure? being alone?

How not to lose joy amid depression?

How to stop caring about whatever the fuck people think about you?

Why does depression keeps visiting back?

Is it true you’re a magnet to sadness?

When will your insecurities keep hitting hard?

 

I need you to remind me, that it’s all temporarily, and that I need to keep fighting.

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Oh.. how come I haven’t watched Bridget Jones till now? It’s about the perfect time of the season.