At first, I felt the urge to describe you to my blog readers. Not sure if I wanted to give them some insights on my current depression, to gain some empathy, or just to document as usual my thoughts and wishes at the moment. All I know is, I believe in documenting life so much, that I would risk baring it all here just to get the chance to read it later and compare my different perspectives through my own personal growth.
But then I decided to speak to you, woman to her own mind and feelings, in an attempt to define you, and know why you are here.
Most of the time I regard you an unwelcome guest. I mean, you show up in the middle of nowhere, you get super intense on matters I think won’t hurt me that much, and you stay much longer than I want you to. Most of the time I’m fighting you much more than I fight everything else. Do you understand how unbearable it gets when you’re fighting your own mind and body? I’m sure you do realize that though it’s the mind that sends the signals to my body to feel you, but it’s also the body that keeps reminding me of my own vulnerability and sometimes powerlessness to stand up and face the world.
You don’t just hurt me. You dominate my whole body. In our battles sometimes you win and you get to control me. You dictate my responses and you suck the joy out of the things I love. Not only that, but you get even to paralyze me. Much often recently, I feel my soul inside struggling to scream and you choking her in order not to. Sometimes I feel that expressing you would threaten your existence. So I understand your survival instinct and how it functions here.
To my pain, I realize how cliche I sound talking to you right now. And that no matter how I try to describe you, words seem to fail me this time. Just know that I get it. Fighting your existence all the time won’t make you go away. Denying your existence would breed much worse results. I’m starting to accept your demands in a way. You demand to be recognized, to be respected and to be accepted. I guess I want to tell you that I recognize that you’re here. I am trying to respect you and to stop trying to kick you out of my body. I’m trying to learn to live with you knowing that sometimes your very existence is what gets me going. Sometimes you hurting me is what I need to do something. Sometimes you remind me of who I am, what I am passionate about, and what I want to do in life. I did not learn to accept you yet, but I’m trying. If I can make one sincere request, is that you try and give me a break from time to time, would ya? You know I still love life, and I still belong here. I am not ready to stop fighting you and give it up yet. So may be we can reach a truce? Or rather better, may be one day we can coexist. Think about it.
Just a couple of hours ago I wrote this status on my facebook:
So it’s not some news that we live in a chauvinistic patriarchal piece of shit society that celebrates/encourages elitism, sexism & racism everyday. It’s not news that I will be judged even for this status though it’s true.
I was just subjected to sexual harassment though I’ve been doing my best and spending a lot of my money on private transports to avoid it. I don’t want to complain or whine much. I know that there are much stronger women than me who go through much bigger fights in their lives to survive. I’m only angry… because I believe in myself and in my strength. I’m raised to get my own shit done and not to depend on anybody, and the fact that I’m perceived weak and an easy target only because I’m a woman keeps frustrating me.
Despite this negativity surrounding us everywhere, I’ll try to write a blog post and count the things I’m blessed to have.. may be this would help turn down the level of anger I’m at currently.
So here we go.. I’ll try to list 10 things I’m grateful for.
- I am grateful for the ability to seek advice when needed, and to try trusting my heart always.
- I am grateful for finding many paths to seek knowledge and know more about myself and the huge world we live in.
- I am grateful for trying to see beauty in every small thing in life… a good song on my long commute on the Ring Road can make me see the ugly buildings less ugly, and the green land greener..
- I am grateful for the life-lessons I’m being constantly given. I’m grateful for standing up after falling every time.
- I’m grateful for my mum’s existence. We might be different in every aspect, but I can’t live without her unlimited love.
- I am grateful for having the ability to fight for hope, for love and for the lost dreams.
- I’m grateful for being healthy, for being able to survive the current cruel economic situation.
- I’m grateful for these people in my life, who help fix me when I get broken.
- I’m grateful for music; for always a good song can help one pass any tough day or celebrate any good one.
- I’m grateful for my stubbornness… to help me be the leader of my own destiny.
I love when this happens.
You’re laying back, regretting wasting so much time doing nothing, and the lame movies you watch to make yourself laugh a bit. Then you open Netflix (which has limited movies btw since they blocked proxies and you cannot access the US one. Kinda wonder why I’m still subscribing till now), and you see Paul Rudd’s charming face on a poster,
so you think for a second and then click on it. I admit hesitating but only because the poster felt like it’s gonna be an Indie movie, and I’m kinda in the mood for laughs not deep stories. Paul Rudd has this incredible charisma.. it’s so soothing. When he looks at you with his deep green eyes (I mean looks at the camera, directing at you looking from the screen :/) you feel that surely the world will be at peace.. eventually.
Continue reading ““The Fundamentals of Caring””
It’s 1:35 am. I’m dying to write this blog post since I was at the office. Too many mixed feelings swirling my mind & heart with little time to focus on the important stuff. I’m too tired and sleepy yet I keep going. I promised myself I’d come back to writing, and now is the most time I need to express myself… especially since I feel that my whole identity is being taken from me.. constantly.. daily..
There’s a part of me that is a big drama queen. That I know, but there’s also a big part of me that is a fighter. The past months have been heavy and tough, but I am managing to go through. And I am really glad that I am not alone in all this. As cliche as it sounds – and you know how I hate cliches – I always get comfort knowing that I have got you by my side, and I have got friends who still care. This is what matters.. inside this big materialistic giant world that I feel is trying to sneak into my soul more and more.
I wanted to write this blog post at first seeking revenge. Speaking of the last time I got beaten and how silly and absurd this whole situation is, but I guess, I know this would be just a temporary painkiller.
All I want to say, is that I am sick of pretending. I am sick of not being able to be who I am, not feeling safe among one’s family, and having to wonder when all this would end, and what kind of other compromises that one would have to make.
Hugging my little sibling got me calmer…
So how to put this delicately?
This new blog is dedicated to the current me. The inconfident, lost, grumpy, whiny girl who cannot grasp how fast she changed. Sometimes I ask myself if the 18 year old version of me would love the new version or not. I do not think she’ll be impressed by me at the moment honestly. But this blog’s objective is to document the phase when I’m taking more steps in trying to regain myself, my passion, my love, and my capacity for empathy and for caring for people.
I’ll gain it back. Just one step at a time.