وجع دماغ يومي

بابتسم من كتر حبي للعالم
بابتسم من كتر خوف وعيت عليه
في محاولة مستميتة للرجوع للكتابة (بالعربي بالذات) بما انها كانت من أكثر الطرق المفضّلة لي ف التعبير عن النفس، قررت أرجع أكتب بشكل اسبوعي كنوع من التأمل الذاتي الارتجالي لحد ما ادخل على ربع قرن+١ في هذا العالم كمان شهر.
 الحياه بقت محاولة يومية في النجاه من اتخاذ قرارات مصيرية والاستمتاع بالانفاس اللي بتخرج ومبترجعش.
٢٠١٧ كانت السنة اللي بارجع فيها لروحي.. السنة اللي باسمح لكل الوجع انه يخرج عشان ارجع اتنفّس تاني
وكان لازم عشان دة يحصل اني اسمح تاني لنفسي اكون
empathetic
 مع العالم واسمح لكل اوجاع العالم انها تتسرسب جوايا واحسّ بيها
من غير ما احس بالخزي من حساسيتي المفرطة اللي طول عمري بحارب معاها
ساعات كتير بالوم نفسي اني وعيت على قبح الدنيا من بدري… كان نفسي اعيش حياه ابسط تقتصر على وجع الحياه اليومية الفردية فقط. يمكن ف يوم هاقدّر الهبة دي اكتر، لكن لما يسألوني ازاي كنتي بتبصّي لهبة ال
empathy
في سن ال ٢٥؟
هقولهم كنت بابصلها انها لعنة ومستعدة اتخلّص منها في معظم الاوقات.
احنا حالياً بنحارب اكتر من حربنا وقت الثورة مع الفساد والبطش والظلم… احنا كل يوم بنحارب اننا نفضل نحب الحياه واحنا بنشوف حلمنا اللي كان طاير واتضرب بالنار ف الهوا.. وبقاله سنين بيقع بالتصوير البطئ.
كل يوم فيه حرب شخصية جداً وانسانية جداً عشان تفكّر نفسك ان الحياه لسه فيها أمل وحب وأحلام
مش سهل ترجع تحلم وتأمل تاني بعد ما اكبر ايمان وحلم ليك وقع
ومش بسيطة كل المحاولات ان يفضل عندك انسانية ومساحة حرية وسط كل هذا القدر من النفاق والسطحية والسماجة

و لسه الحب نبراسي و ف راسي لكنه خجول
و بسمه صغيره تحاول تفك الاسر

لسه عندي أمل ان الحب يكون الأمل في النجاه… عندي أمل تجاوز كل الكسوف من ايماني ببعض كليشيهات الرومانسية والثقة
المفرطة والساذجة في الناس
علفكرة، لسه باتعاطف مع ابطال السوبر هيروز في x-men و hunger games و The Dark Knight trilogy
وببقى فاهمة ليه بيحاولوا يتجنبوا الوجع بشتّى الطرق قبل ما يقرروا ياخدوا الخطوة
في يوم من الايام كنت مؤمنة ان كل واحد فينا سوبر هيرو، ويقدر يحقق اي حاجة
بس هما كسبوا لما اتزرع ف نفسي الخوف، وقررت ان مفيش حاجة تستاهل اقايض روحي بيها

Continue reading “وجع دماغ يومي”

إنني أريد أن آخذ حقي من الحياة عنوة. أريد أن أعطي بسخاء، أريد أن يفيض الحب من قالب فينبع ويثمر.”

ثمة آفاق كثيرة لابد أن تزار، ثمة ثمار يجب أن تقطف، كتب كثيرة تقرأ، وصفحات بيضاء في سجل العمر، سأكتب فيها جملاً واضحة بخط جرئ.”

On hope

Man, I don’t know if Ellen DeGeneres knows this. But I hope she does.

This woman is so great beyond measures. Someone who suffered a lot in her life, and came out this strong, this inspiring, and now she is helping  millions to get over life everyday, just by spreading hope and happiness. Continue reading “On hope”

76

Hey there,

I came here now because I got an impulse to go back to writing and I pour myself out there. Yes, it’s scary. But I usually find myself more expressive when blogging than when sharing some status on Facebook or Twitter. You ask me why? I don’t know. May be I feel more comfortable in talking to strangers than people I know who will certainly judge me.

I usually ask myself, have I stopped/decreased being judgmental because I became in a minority position where the likelihood of being suppressed/discriminated against is higher or is it because I started to mature and become more aware?

I like to think it’s the second one. I mean, I’ve always argued with my family when they said racist comments about people who practice other religions. I’ve always hated discrimination and the idea of asking for rights for only those who share the same opinions and beliefs as you. May be I was more judgmental when I did not have much empathy for those who were way beyond my comfort zone to get to talk to them and know them.

When I hear someone saying something as absurd as “I don’t mind the lesbians but I can’t stand the idea of gays.. Yuck!”, I try not to judge them much for it. I mean, I did not make up my mind that I totally support LGBT until I have met one. And they were very nice and decent, that I said to myself: “Wow, I never thought about it before and what do I stand for there.. why would I feel that someone like this should be killed just because of who he is? Who is he hurting by being himself?” Suddenly then it struck me how hard it is to be gay, especially in a region like ours, consumed by hating whoever is different.

Whenever I experience something that is totally out of my comfort zone, it gives me a chance to make up my mind about it. Do I accept it? Shall I go for it? Yes, sometimes I make the wrong choice, but then this is part of growing up. Learning from it.

So yes.. finally arrived at my main point here. I wanted to talk about growing up. I admit, the past couple of years (roughly I mean the past 3 ones) were full of self-doubt, self-loathing at times, uncertainty, and countless attempts to forget the pain and to kill my empathy. By the end of last year, I suddenly realized this isn’t gonna work. But then I was too in-depth and too consumed to do anything about it.

Now, I thought 2016 will be my year. The year when I start fulfilling my dreams, break free a little bit, and have hope in myself again. But by April, I totally broke down. Throughout the past few months,  I was stumbling. Rising and falling, enduring, in short: I was in pain. Pain can do two things to you: it can either shatter you in pieces, or motivate you into swimming faster to the shore.. where you can survive and start again. I guess it did both things to me.

There are 76 days left in 2016. This only means one thing: I need to get over my survival mode in this period. Three years are quite enough for it. I tried to play it safe but instead I got myself in much deeper shit and pain. I need to forgive myself for whatever mistakes I have made. I need to forgive whoever caused me so much pain as this is the only means to truly moving on. I need to trust myself more, and to keep believing. I need to enjoy life again. As bad as it seems now, life is a gift that is worth living. And during the 76 days left this year, I am going to try my best and make every single day count.

Here’s to the new beginnings.. here’s to love and life. Here’s to hope. Here’s to me.

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Grateful.

I’ve decided to share a personal thought today. I know I have been mad.. for quite some time now. I’ve been mad at how life is unfair to good people. I have been mad at how our dreams got completely shattered in front of us. I have been mad at plans not working out no matter how you try.

I have been mad for quite some time, that I forgot that there are really countless things to be grateful for in this life. Yes, you have to always remember that there is still so much to do, that you still want to work hard in order to make an impact in this miserable world. But despite all this, you have to stop and reflect from time to time. You have to remember that working hard pays off sometimes. You have to reflect on where you stand now, and be proud of yourself.

Don’t lose being modest; don’t let the materialistic world change you into a person that you won’t like. But love and appreciate yourself for who you are. For all the flaws and virtues. For all the ups & downs. For all the stubbornness and the irrational desire for independence, and for all the transitional phases and the changes. Love yourself for who you were before and who you are at the moment, and who you want to be tomorrow.

In short, today I realized that I have been harsh on myself more than anybody else for a while, so I decided to give myself a break, and it was okay. It was fine. 🙂

Good night.

 

(header source: hippywannabe.com)

عبالي.. :) #موسيقى

Sorry Lemonada that I used your title. I swear it’s not intended to be one of like ! 😀

Not gonna lie to you. It’s a bit confusing when trying to get up again on your feet. You will need first to figure out who you were before… In an attempt to restore a sense of who I was and what used to make me happy, I decided to browse my music lists!

Hope you enjoy it as much as I’m doing now. 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

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“Inception” (2010)