Abla Kamel.

Today has been.. a bit overwhelming.

A pile of mixed emotions that were sometimes combined, other times consecutive.

Guilty, stubborn and in denial.

Sorry, not apologetic and kinda impatient.

Confident and witty,

Irritated, indifferent and uninspired.

I have a crush on you, no no I hate you, no I admire you.

I don’t care about you, but I’m so hurt that you stopped thinking I’m good enough.

I pretend I express myself without thinking about you, but

my name’s Blurryface and I care what you think

I keep searching everyday for.. infinite things actually.

I search for connectedness, self-confidence, self-acceptance, inspiration, happiness, satisfaction, hope, empathy, assurance, love, friendship.

But I also search for ways to forget, forgive and move on.

If you’re lost and you’re lonely

Go and figure out why

Take a trip to your dark side

Go on and have a good cry

Cause we’re all lonely

Yeah we’re all lonely together

Are we really? All lonely together?

I don’t know… These days I keep encountering weird moments of connectedness with strangers and/or people I would never have thought we share anything in common.

I keep reminding myself that it’s never black and white, yet life always manages to throw it in my face when I misjudge a situation or try to label it.

In a playback theater rehearsal I attended today (btw I advise you to attend if in Cairo), I was asked to share what I feel, and I said: overwhelmed. Lots of small weights that make a whole heavy load, and I keep asking: till when?

After the rehearsals, I was asked a question that got me reflecting on my current online persona/blog vs. the old one.

Quoting my own words, I said the reason I stopped using the username Salma Asks – سلمى تسأل was that I stopped relating to the 19 year old girl who started that blog. I was developing into another character, and I felt that character needed to have another start.

I told them that Salma Asks was bold, fearless, empowered, hopeful, naive and idealistic. She believed she can do anything, and that taking tiny steps can change the word.

While “Salma’s searching” is a whole lot different. She’s unsure. She lacks confidence and she doubts her every step, she’s being held down by her own load and the world’s on her shoulders, and she feels beaten down by life.

What I forgot to say about this character, is that she never gives up without a fight… at least.

Since I find this song therapeutic, I played it on my uber ride while observing the moon.

I mirrored my sadness at it and questioned my eyesight when I saw it shaken in a red flare shade mixed with watery eyes – yes, I do cry when I get too angry, which always piss me off.

But.. in short, here’s the song’s tip:

Leave what’s heavy behind.

If you kept reading till here to know why I named the blog “Abla Kamel”, the answer is simple. I kept mentioning that I’m pulling a “Abla Kamel” mood today. I might have been a drama queen today, I admit. But life got its ups and downs, right? 🙂


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