Tuesday

Today was a bad day. Not the worst, but definitely one of them.

But I went through it. I went through it with lots of tears but still was able to be productive and to have some laughs in a very weird & surreal movie. I’m proud of myself. And through all the pain, I’m able again to see that I am something. If not now, at least all the fighting I do to be who I am will pay off… Someday.

On another note, watch “Wild Ones”. It’s crazy, but it’s really good.

Happy Ending

Hello there..

Writing to you on my way home while the taxi is passing through the tunnel.

There’s something liberating while you’re crossing the tunnel. I don’t know how to subscribe it, but in mind that ending scene from “Perks of being a wallflower”.

I wanted to write for a while… But there’s a big amount of anger and negative energy that I’m having recently.. it’s poisonous, and I didn’t want to transfer it through words. Yet I can’t find anyway recently to get rid of it.

Sometimes I wonder if we humans exaggerate a little bit when we talk a lot about positive and negative energy.

Anyways, I find myself currently incapapable of expressing myself well through writing. Well isn’t that depressing? Only a year and a half ago I was able to do pretty Well. It was one of the most natural things to do. Expressing what’s on your mind just as you feel it. I know it’s hard now, but I’m working on it.. as you can see. I’m still trying hardly to explain what I’m going through more vividly.

I think I know why I’m not able to do that as before. It all relates to self-confidence… Something I know has been dropping fast for over a year now. I still recall how I was full of believing in myself and what I can do… But sometimes moments pass when you’re lost. That’s when you feel afraid and many times lose yourself in agony and hesitation.

It’s quite a very expected reaction to be very mad. You dreamt to fly, and actually believed it’s possible.. then you hit the ground.. so hard that you’re afraid to dream again. You saw stuff that questioned your beliefs in humanity. You were told you’re naive and unrealistic too many times that you now acknowledge that as a fact.

I don’t know.. Am I defeated? Definitely yes, though most of the time I act strong pretty well. I honestly don’t know what to do. Should I abide by their rules.. Should I shut my mouth, and turn a blind eye to everything? Even everything wrong going with me? Should I make more compromises? Should I try harder to forget?

Sorry.. Returned to writing on my mobile now. Was busy checking why the road was very crowded. Turned out there was an accident in the road. Pretty expected. Awfully expected. It’s a daily reason on why I’m always mad. Traffic.. people.. safety not guaranteed.

Just returned home. There’s a lot of rage that I cannot contain any longer. I need help. But even if I didn’t get it, there’s no other way but to try and let go. I have to do that. Survival mode is still SO on.

Now by the end of you reading this you’d be questioning yourself “Well where is the Happy Ending in that?”. I’m sorry, it doesn’t exist. It was just the name of the song I was listening to when I started writing this blog post.